


For Better Times

by justanothernobody



Category: EXO (Band), K-pop
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mentioned Kim Jongin | Kai, Other, References to Depression, Sad with a Happy Ending, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-19
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2019-06-12 22:33:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15350196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justanothernobody/pseuds/justanothernobody
Summary: For the times that have yet to come, I want to still have you by my side. So please don’t give up on yourself, because I have never given up on you.





	For Better Times

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Fuwariseu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fuwariseu/gifts), [AshEff](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AshEff/gifts).



> Dedicated to my two best friends, thanks for bringing me out of these tough times… I literally owe you both my life. And dedicated to my depression too, thanks for ruining my life and giving me angsty stuff to write
> 
> Edit :  
> Proofread 20/07/2018. English isn't my first language so help me out. I'm all for constructive criticism, feel free to leave those. Enjoy!

Everything hurts.

  
  
Not physically, though. It doesn’t hurt in a way that pains your insides and twists your guts all over the place. It hurts emotionally. The way that pokes and pinches at your soul leaving scars here and there. And with the pain comes the exhaustion. He’s beyond tired.

  
  
He’s so tired that he lacks will in all the things he does. It’s to the extent where simple everyday tasks become a chore. It’s to that point where even resting tires you out.

 

He felt tired. And it wasn’t the sort of it that could be easily slept off. It was the sort that lingered in your bones and consumes you whole. It stays in your mind and stirs you awake for eternities. It makes you do too much or too little, but it leaves you feeling numb and empty. It pains him to smile, and exhausts him to frown, confuses him as to what he should name this feeling.

 

He has a slight clue of what it is, yet is too scared to put the name onto it.

  
He sighs once again.

  
Everything begins to feel… empty. Whether it’s the vast universe or his tiny mind it just seems to be void of its contents. He stares at the white wall of his bedroom. Visibly, it’s filled with picture frames, sticky notes with forgotten tasks written, notebook opened on a crumpled page, and even some scribbles from the days he still tracked his height. But in his eyes it all looked blank. Or rather, it felt blank.

  
The pictures encased in glass told him that no matter how many people he spends time with, he will inevitably be left alone again. The sticky notes tell him he failed completing even the simplest of tasks. The pencil lines on his wall tell him that he is never good enough to reach his impossible target. And the numbers he sees on the scale jotted down on his notebook tells him similarly.

 

He isn’t perfect. Perfection isn’t what he has, rather it is God’s. But humans are weak, fragile, beings who also long for it. He simply gets the worst end of it and his longing has turned into hurting, and soon into self-disappointment. 

 

The heavy exhale he lets out gives out enough air for the paper on his desk to shift slightly, but it isn’t enough to breathe all of his unhappiness out of his being.

 

He hears footsteps outside his shared room, currently his alone as Jongin had a photoshoot to attend. He pulls the covers atop his frame in faux sleep, hoping it was convincing enough.

 

“Kyungsoo?”

 

He hears him, deep and clear amidst the quiet of the pitch black room. He senses the curiosity from the voice, care and concern both laced in the sound. The door clicks close, and the presence grows closer.

 

“You okay?”

 

 _No_ , he thinks, _when was I ever?_ He opens his mouth to say _yes_ , what comes out instead was soundless.

 

The elder’s face comes near to his as he sits down on the bed, his brows scrunched up and expression filled with worry. He realizes then that he has voiced his thoughts aloud.

 

Chanyeol strokes his nape gently, as a lover would to their other. And it only hurts all the more, knowing that someone truly cares, truly wants to help.

 

“You want to talk about it?”

 

He doesn’t reply this time, mind spinning with thoughts a million miles per hour, confusing all his emotions and breaking apart the brick wall of his defenses.

 

He curls himself into the elder’s thigh with his head nuzzling the flesh. It’s comfort that he feels, a place where he can let his guard down and still feel safe.

 

“Sometimes I think of how it would be if I willingly died in someone's embrace.” He starts off slowly, voice quiet and raspy from disuse with large eyes filled with emptiness. “Would I feel happy, that I hadn't died alone? Or would I feel guilty, as I had enforced them to see my last moments before I ripped out the life out of my flesh?”

 

Chanyeol’s face changes, painted with sadness and he feels upset that he has caused it. It adds to his long list of failures; unable to make him smile, an otherwise easy task.

 

“Don’t think of it, you’ll go nuts pondering about that all night.”

 

He agrees, he _will_ go insane if he stays on that train of thought. But he can’t help but add the fact that that has been on his mind for weeks, _months_ even.

 

“Will you be mad if I am selfish, or will I be mad, if I choose to go on?”

 

He reaches out to put his hand on the other’s lap, Chanyeol’s own soon holding his in a soft yet firm grip.

 

“Kyungsoo-yah, listen to me,” he says in a magisterial tone. “Don’t consider me egoistic, but think of how I’d feel about you dead.”

 

He lets out a small chuckle. “Of course, when has everything been about me?” he mentions sarcastically.

 

“No, listen to me. For the times that have yet to come, I want to still have you by my side. So please don’t give up on yourself. Because I have never doubted you, ever.”

 

He thinks how sad would Chanyeol be when he’s gone. How he would push the elder into a black hole of loneliness, hopelessness, and misery. How Chanyeol would leave his happy personality and switch t to its polar opposite. How he would never forgive himself for preventing his death.

 

He realised. He’d find 1000 ways to die. But he would never do any of them, with one of things in his head is Chanyeol’s spinning in his mind.

 

“Okay,” he emphasizes it with a nod, “I’ll try. I’ll try and try and you have to promise me you’ll help out.”

 

A smile is on his face soon after, infectious and mood-changing. He feels lighter as the weight lightens itself off of his shoulders. He smiles too, an upward curve of his lips that forms into its classic heart-like shape.

 

_It’s a sign of better times._

**Author's Note:**

> Crossposted on AFF under the account mp_2506


End file.
